Hard to sit here and be close to you, and not kiss you.
The Inevitable Christmas List
- A candle that smells like a man then cookies in the oven then your childhood room AND it screams wildly when you are about to fall asleep without blowing it out
- Perfect bitch face so when somebody bumps into you or makes a sexist comment you turn your face and it’s like Blue Steel with x10 more vagina sass
- Puppy that sufficiently enjoys when you leave the house and doesn’t give you sad eyes, it just turns on the TV and patiently marathons Rock of Love Bus till you come back
- A world without any more fucking think pieces on millenials
- Tights that come with a tracking device so you can find the only non-ripped pair in your goddamn Saving Private Ryan scene of a room
- An Iphone that stays charged forever
- The outfit that sits perfectly on that line of “not too matchy matchy” and “bat shit lady wears a bunch of bat shit patterns”
- Cashiers and waiters and bartenders will stop talking to me like I’m 16 just because I look 16
- A television channel that plays only *clears throat*: Sabrina The Teenage Witch, The Craft, Boy Meets World, The Little Mermaid, Curb Your Enthusiasm, 10 Things I Hate About You, Sleepless In Seattle, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Cruel Intentions, The OC. I could think of more but they’d need to fit into my theme of “Current Mood.”
- A little magic box that produces an object you don’t want to buy cuz you only need it ONCE like a fucking cake pan or 4 cups of flour or Neosporin or just enough whiskey for tonight
- A gentle reminder I need to go to bed
- Like, a good 90% of the comments on the Internet should go away
- That Jedediah Atkinson character on SNL gets like a 2 hour weekly radio show
- I’d like to see hard proof that my Furby will never come back to kill me
- Lip gloss that looks glossy but doesn’t stick my hair to my lips and I am a feral animal trying to get it off me
- I COULD say “hairspray that doesn’t get into my eyes and mouth” but what I really mean is “coordination” and Santa can’t help me out with that one, the old bag.
- I am so tired, so so damn tired of saying college loan forgiveness but perhaps let me explain this agony I feel in a fake Fall Out Boy track list: 1. This Can Of Beans Won’t Eat Itself, Sugar 2. I’d Give You All My Money But You Already Have It Anyway 3. The Only Difference Between College and Graduation Is 40 Years Of Crushing Debt
- A reasonably priced haircut and bra
- An umbrella that I don’t have to remember to bring because it remembers me (re: sentient umbrella)
- Sweaters that make my boobs look good
- Peace, endless brie wedges and money and good eyebrows
Find someone who makes you feel drunk when you’re sober
I’ve been reading some old things I’ve written and I keep laughing. They’re great. I was a cute, stupid 20 year old.
Here ya go:
Reasons why my life is ridiculous, as written in goal form:
Goal #1: Stay up until 2 am.
Most normal people I know have it easy staying up late and their goal usually is centered around trying to go to bed early in order to wake up early. Nuh uh, not me. I’m trying to stay up late. This would all be well and good if it wasn’t for one sadly superficial reason. To wait up and see if that boy texts me. First of all, the only reason I am staying up so late is on the mere assumption that he will text me around the same time he texted me last night and I missed it. I already know that’s dumb. For some reason whenever a guy contacts me, I always use the time of day he contacts me as a reference point, like it is programmed in his brain to call/text/chat/message me at that exact moment. I know this is a dumb concept but it brings a little bit of stability to my life. I guess it all seemed normal when we were in school and one guy would chat me everyday during his boring class. Even when it was irrational it reigned true, as in the case of Mr. R, who if I didn’t text him, would always make a point to at least text me by 6 pm each day. But now with this new one I know that it’s a stretch. Besides the whole concept being ludicrous, we have the fact that I should not be looking forward to contact with this human being in the first place. He lied! He cheated! (not me, but still the morality of the situation is nerve wracking) Why would I ever be interested in such a foul creature? That’s easy. Because I’m 20 and dating assholes to learn all the lessons. I suppose this must be my date a cheater/a taken boy (or rather replace the word ‘date’ with ‘sleep’) phase. I probably crave the communication for the entire reason that I should not. It’s forbidden, which automatically means I want it. Not only is the whole situation of me staying up late to talk to a cheater who has a relationship that I am the homewrecker of completely fucked up, but the likelihood of me being able to fend off sleep when I want to is not great. There are nights that I can easily stay up until 4am doing nothing. But I have a feeling now that I’m trying to stay up late, the fact that I made it a goal [it is a bit pathetic that I consider this a goal] means it will probably not happen. And even if I do stay up until 2am, knowing my luck he will a) not text at all or b) decide to text at 2:50 am, the exact moment when I am finally snuggling down into a deep sleep.