What I imagine…
I’ll be 25. The year is 2015. I’m in New York City. I live in a small studio apartment. I’m in a company. I’m rehearsing all the time. Maybe I’m doing some clerical work for a law firm on the side, maybe I’m working in a box office. Regardless, I’ll have some amazing friends. Some of them will be from Richmond. Others are new friends I’ve made from my company. I’ll also have a boyfriend. Maybe he’ll live with me, maybe he won’t. He’s handsome and charming and we go to the theater together and we get drinks after work and I cook pasta for him in my apartment.
On the weekends I’ll go out with my friends, but not that much. I’m over drinking copiously from college. We drink for fun. We dance in salsa clubs. We don’t wear Manolos, but only because there is no way we could afford them. Thats the only thing that seperates us from MIranda, Carrie, Samantha, and Charlotte. That and the fact that we are dancers.
Maybe I’ll be single. But I’ll be happy. I’ll have found a new home. My parents will be happily retired. I’ll look back on all of this heartache and smile weakly, thinking about how I’m so glad thats over.
I’ll be in the city. Some Satudays I’ll take my friends to the park and we’ll picnic. Or I’ll get a taxi just by myself and spend the whole afternoon in the Guggenheim. Or I’ll sit in coffee shops drinking a latte by myself and reading a good book.
When I think about how large my dreams are, and how close they are time-wise, I feel bigger than my body. I feel like one day when I’m in New York I will be able to look back at everyone who is living in their cookie-cutter home in Cary and think about how I got out. I guess I can’t even say that. My life isn’t more than theirs. But I know one thing is for sure. I risked and gambled a lot more. If I move to New York, and if I make it, I’ll know that I went out on a limb unlike anyone else I know from back home. I already in a sense have. I chose to go somewhere for college where I knew 2 people. And I’ve already made an amazing life out of it.
Last night I had a dream that one of my old friends from middle school came back. He was (in real life) in love with me when I was in eighth grade. (No idea why, I was awkward and ugly). I woke up in one of those moods where you kind of laugh.
Went to look him up on facebook to maybe say something and found that he no longer had a facebook. The only thing that was there was a group saying he was hospitalized for appendicitus. Then I remembered writing on his wall not too long ago, so I tried to go through my wall posts.
I know its facebook, but I just got really sad. First off, Zack always dominated my wall. But also I’ve come to realize that I’m drifting away from my high school friends. Some of them I’m still just as close with (Alex Pherribo and I do lunch on a regular basis, and of course Katherine Fussell will always be my best friend). Others not so much. Astrid I can pretty much deem gone from my life forever. And while I’m seeing Rebecca tomorrow, I know that neither of us puts in as much effort to the relationship anymore.
High school friends that I wasn’t as close with that I tried to stay in touch with have completely failed. Natalie and Anne Claire and that bunch….not to say they were fake friends but I just didn’t think we spent enough time together in high school. Our friendships weren’t strong enough to endure. Needless to say, I’m so ready to go back to Richmond. I should have planned on going back tonight for New Years but I didn’t even think about it…stupidly.
So I’m supposing this sucky year has to go out with a sucky night. Sitting with my parents slowly getting drunk off of their expensive champagne has never really bothered me before, but thats perhaps because I’ve always had someone to kiss at midnight.
I know I’m being highly emotional right now. I guess its just finally gotten to me. But also being twenty means being in this really weird transition time when you watch everyone from high school kind of fall away.
At least my birthday’s coming up. And today we are looking at cars :) :) So thats a lot to be grateful for.
Oh and by the way—if you have one, go look at your middle school yearbook. You will be so glad you are not that awkward anymore (welllllll for some people). The people I got to sign my yearbook? Why?!?!
I’ll give a few examples for laughs:
Amy, These years have been…yeah. Have fun in HS and over the summer
-Tom Rusher (sixth grade boyfriend)
whats up Amy good job cheerleading this year. Have fun in HS
-Luke Perry (boy I literally maybe talked to one time)
and finally from my friend Kevin
Amy I love you so much and I am going to miss you more than any other 8th grader! I had so much fun back stage, at your recitals, and on the NYC trip! I LOVE YOU!
- J: I always fuck around with friends it's just not as funny in a text and when you think anything mean I say is me being hostile...
- A: I know I guess it would be easier if I didn't care about you and miss you as much as I do. It makes me angry at myself. You're one of two people that I get stupidly emotional over and I don't even know why. I'd care about you even if you didn't give a fuck about me.
- J: Ok hands down all things aside I know that if I act like a genuine good guy I'd realize what I've lost and change my mind but at the same time I don't want to get serious with anyone at this point in my life.
- J: So maybe I have back tracked to elementary school when kids act like assholes to people they crush on..Not saying I'm crushing on you at the moment, just that the only way I ever got over you is by not thinking about it.