That death of that man didn’t just pass me by. It left me rattled.
There are some events in my life that have felt isolated in their meaning. Then there are weeks that things crash down on me in their connectedness. I know it’s my own way of making sense of it all, because when you watch someone die you realize how meaningless it all is.
But it matters. It matters that everything in my life felt numb and empty and the waves of pain I felt just from having a daughter yell in my face, “He’s dying! He’s dying!” were enough to make me want to sleep for days.
So what does it mean that here I am, feeling raw as hell and thinking about you and all you mean to me and realizing I will always be more than you can handle and I am not going to be the reason you start facing the way you feel. I am not going to be the reason you stop being so damned scared and start facing the simple truths. That two people can fall in love despite all the circumstances. That two people can be so connected to their very cores that it feels like they’ve known each other much longer than they had.
All it took was death to make me realize that as much as I want to love you and know how beautiful and perfectly imperfect it would be, it isn’t worth waiting around for you to stop being scared.
There may be nothing more absurd than having to make a Cosmo after a guy dies of a heart attack in the entrance of the restaurant that you work in.