The snow is so beautiful. I’m volunteering at the Food Bank today and then getting a hair cut and I’m so warm and cozy in my house listening to James Brown Holiday station. This is the part of winter I really love.
Hard to sit here and be close to you, and not kiss you.
The Inevitable Christmas List
- A candle that smells like a man then cookies in the oven then your childhood room AND it screams wildly when you are about to fall asleep without blowing it out
- Perfect bitch face so when somebody bumps into you or makes a sexist comment you turn your face and it’s like Blue Steel with x10 more vagina sass
- Puppy that sufficiently enjoys when you leave the house and doesn’t give you sad eyes, it just turns on the TV and patiently marathons Rock of Love Bus till you come back
- A world without any more fucking think pieces on millenials
- Tights that come with a tracking device so you can find the only non-ripped pair in your goddamn Saving Private Ryan scene of a room
- An Iphone that stays charged forever
- The outfit that sits perfectly on that line of “not too matchy matchy” and “bat shit lady wears a bunch of bat shit patterns”
- Cashiers and waiters and bartenders will stop talking to me like I’m 16 just because I look 16
- A television channel that plays only *clears throat*: Sabrina The Teenage Witch, The Craft, Boy Meets World, The Little Mermaid, Curb Your Enthusiasm, 10 Things I Hate About You, Sleepless In Seattle, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Cruel Intentions, The OC. I could think of more but they’d need to fit into my theme of “Current Mood.”
- A little magic box that produces an object you don’t want to buy cuz you only need it ONCE like a fucking cake pan or 4 cups of flour or Neosporin or just enough whiskey for tonight
- A gentle reminder I need to go to bed
- Like, a good 90% of the comments on the Internet should go away
- That Jedediah Atkinson character on SNL gets like a 2 hour weekly radio show
- I’d like to see hard proof that my Furby will never come back to kill me
- Lip gloss that looks glossy but doesn’t stick my hair to my lips and I am a feral animal trying to get it off me
- I COULD say “hairspray that doesn’t get into my eyes and mouth” but what I really mean is “coordination” and Santa can’t help me out with that one, the old bag.
- I am so tired, so so damn tired of saying college loan forgiveness but perhaps let me explain this agony I feel in a fake Fall Out Boy track list: 1. This Can Of Beans Won’t Eat Itself, Sugar 2. I’d Give You All My Money But You Already Have It Anyway 3. The Only Difference Between College and Graduation Is 40 Years Of Crushing Debt
- A reasonably priced haircut and bra
- An umbrella that I don’t have to remember to bring because it remembers me (re: sentient umbrella)
- Sweaters that make my boobs look good
- Peace, endless brie wedges and money and good eyebrows